"The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once."

Updated Monday 14th May 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"The word suns upside down looks like this: suns"

Updated Monday 7th May 2012 - Anonymous

"Tell someone you love them today because life is short, but shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing."

Updated Monday 30th Apr 2012 - Steve Young

"When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?"

Updated Monday 23rd Apr 2012 - Steve Young

"If people winked in real life as much as they do online and in texts, the world would be a really creepy place."

Updated Monday 16th Apr 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"An expert is a person who has made all of the mistakes possible in a very specific field."

Updated Monday 9th Apr 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"Another lottery tip: To improve your odds, buy TWO tickets."

Updated Monday 2nd Apr 2012 - Anonymous

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Updated Monday 26th Mar 2012 - Douglas Adams

"I like the people who can keep the conversation going, no matter how random the topics get."

Updated Monday 19th Mar 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."

Updated Monday 12th Mar 2012 - Douglas Adams

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space."

Updated Monday 5th Mar 2012 - Douglas Adams

"Work? Yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life."

Updated Monday 27th Feb 2012 - Jed Miller

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

Updated Monday 20th Feb 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it."

Updated Monday 13th Feb 2012 - Anonymous

"It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it."

Updated Monday 6th Feb 2012 - Kirk Saywell

"I used to be an atheist, but then I realised I AM God!"

Updated Monday 30th Jan 2012 - Steve Young

"I don't want to know why it's broken, I just want to know why it's not working."

Updated Monday 23rd Jan 2012 - Jed Miller

"Dreams are all that seperate our minds from reality."

Updated Monday 16th Jan 2012 - Steve Young

"I may not have much, but I have so much to gain!"

Updated Monday 9th Jan 2012 - Jade 'Pumpkin' Chenery

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see in the New Year. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."

Updated Sunday 1st Jan 2012 - Bill Vaughn

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."

Updated Monday 26th Dec 2011 - Bill Vaughn

"Thought of something brilliant? Just Google it, and you will soon realise how uncreative you really are."

Updated Monday 19th Dec 2011 - Anonymous

"There's no excuse for ignorance, when there's Google."

Updated Monday 12th Dec 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest."

Updated Monday 5th Dec 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on."

Updated Monday 28th Nov 2011 - Steve Young

"The human brain is the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right from the time you're born to the time you fall in love."

Updated Monday 21st Nov 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Enjoy your youth. You'll never be younger than you are at this very moment."

Updated Monday 14th Nov 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, the best thing to do is slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus' name, amen." - Works every time."

Updated Monday 7th Nov 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I'm two girls short of a threesome."

Updated Monday 31st Oct 2011 - Steve Young

"I was born a genius, but I'll die a freak."

Updated Monday 24th Oct 2011 - Steve Young

"I played golf this morning. Missed a hole in one by just eight shots."

Updated Monday 17th Oct 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Blimey, there really are a lot of people having birthdays this year!"

Updated Monday 10th Oct 2011 - Jack Christmas

"If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face - a lot."

Updated Monday 3rd Oct 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do."

Updated Monday 26th Sep 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Lowercase letters are just like uppercase letters, but without the drama."

Updated Monday 19th Sep 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Whiplash - It's quite a pain in the neck really."

Updated Monday 12th Sep 2011 - Steve Young

"I may have just inadvertently accomplished something."

Updated Monday 5th Sep 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Everyone is in the gutter, either looking at the stars or rolling in excrement."

Updated Monday 29th Aug 2011 - Steve Young

"I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters."

Updated Monday 22nd Aug 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Life is like a box of chocolates... you open the box and realise that they're not all white."

Updated Monday 15th Aug 2011 - Steve Young

"Wales - You need half a gallon of phlegm to pronounce the place names."

Updated Monday 8th Aug 2011 - Jed 'Old Man' Miller

"Starting a sentence with 'If you ask me' almost always indicates that no one asked you."

Updated Monday 1st Aug 2011 - Dan Manley

"Birthday: That special day when your loved ones give you a cake they've set on fire."

Updated Monday 25th Jul 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I'm so clever that sometimes, even I can't figure out what I'm doing."

Updated Monday 18th Jul 2011 - Mark Hull

"I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations."

Updated Monday 11th Jul 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I decided not to go to PC WORLD because I want a proper computer."

Updated Monday 4th Jul 2011 - Anonymous

"I think a "That's what she said" button should be added to Facebook."

Updated Monday 27th Jun 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision."

Updated Monday 20th Jun 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up exotic ways to avoid physical exercise."

Updated Monday 13th Jun 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Asking people about their weekend may result in them telling you about it."

Updated Monday 6th Jun 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I went outside once. The graphics were good but the gameplay was terrible."

Updated Monday 30th May 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"Ha! I'm more humble than every last one of you."

Updated Monday 23rd May 2011 - Jack Christmas

"Mental Note: Actual notes work better."

Updated Monday 16th May 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I have a hard time grasping the fact that in other countries, peoples thoughts are in a different language."

Updated Monday 9th May 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"I wish my doctor would stop 'practicing' and 'get it right.'"

Updated Monday 2nd May 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"When the subject of an email starts "Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re:", there's no way that it isn't a complete waste of time."

Updated Monday 25th Apr 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"How does a Stop-Lock prevent someone from stealing a car anyway? Can't they just chop their legs off?"

Updated Monday 18th Apr 2011 - Jed Miller

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Updated Monday 11th Apr 2011 - Homer Simpson

"I'm in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"

Updated Monday 4th Apr 2011 - Homer Simpson

"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder."

Updated Monday 28th Mar 2011 - Homer Simpson

"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something."

Updated Monday 21st Mar 2011 - Homer Simpson

"I'm laughing so much it's hurting my vagina!"

Updated Monday 14th Mar 2011 - Staci Terry

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

Updated Monday 7th Mar 2011 - Homer Simpson

"His face... he's doing it again!"

Updated Monday 28th Feb 2011 - Kirk Saywell

"All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals."

Updated Monday 21st Feb 2011 - Homer Simpson

"Everyone is unique. Then there's Jed."

Updated Monday 14th Feb 2011 - Melissa Walker

"It's all a pickle, like a gherkin in a big mac meal of life."

Updated Monday 7th Feb 2011 - Staci Terry

"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

Updated Monday 31st Jan 2011 - Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Updated Monday 24th Jan 2011 - Homer Simpson

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Updated Monday 17th Jan 2011 - Homer Simpson

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

Updated Monday 10th Jan 2011 - Homer Simpson

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Updated Monday 3rd Jan 2011 - Steve Martin

"I've got this pimple on my neck that I've had for ages and it just won't go away. It is this, and this alone, that is preventing me from becoming the World's sexiest millionaire."

Updated Monday 27th Dec 2010 - Jack 'Jackmas' Christmas

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

Updated Monday 20th Dec 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once."

Updated Monday 13th Dec 2010 - Anonymous

"I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird."

Updated Monday 6th Dec 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"I wasn't sleeping. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

Updated Monday 29th Nov 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"I read an article the other day that said, 'If you drink every day you are an alcoholic.' Thank God I only drink every night!"

Updated Monday 22nd Nov 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Without music, life would be a mistake."

Updated Monday 15th Nov 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

Updated Monday 8th Nov 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet."

Updated Monday 1st Nov 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live."

Updated Monday 25th Oct 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid)."

Updated Monday 18th Oct 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London."

Updated Monday 11th Oct 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Well there's your problem!"

Updated Monday 4th Oct 2010 - Jamie Hyneman [MythBusters]

"I seriously was going to make something decent for dinner tonight, but I couldn't be bothered to wait for the sausages to defrost. So I'm about to consume my 5th egg sarnie this week."

Updated Monday 27th Sep 2010 - Lawrence Cook

"I never fail. I just don't always get it right the first 30 times."

Updated Monday 20th Sep 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Last night I laid in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the f*ck is my ceiling."

Updated Monday 13th Sep 2010 - Ross Jake Burton

"I intend to live forever - so far so good."

Updated Monday 6th Sep 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."

Updated Monday 30th Aug 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!"

Updated Monday 23rd Aug 2010 - Ace Ventura

"After I die, they will look through my portfolio of quotes and see that my life was not wasted."

Updated Monday 16th Aug 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Somebody call nine-hundred and ninety-nine!"

Updated Monday 9th Aug 2010 - Jed Miller

"Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous."

Updated Monday 2nd Aug 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"What are you on, some kind of Jokepedia?"

Updated Monday 26th Jul 2010 - Amanda Saywell

"According to chemists, alcohol IS a solution."

Updated Monday 19th Jul 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"Women are like tractors. They make too much noise and they shouldn't be on the roads."

Updated Monday 12th Jul 2010 - Jack 'Jackmas' Christmas

"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad."

Updated Monday 5th Jul 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"The problem with being home alone for a week is that I've now got much more milk than I need."

Updated Monday 28th Jun 2010 - Jack 'Jackmas' Christmas

"Woman was God's second mistake."

Updated Monday 21st Jun 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I'm not racist, I just hate everyone."

Updated Monday 14th Jun 2010 - Jack 'Jackmas' Christmas (on behalf of Kern Harrington's stepdad)

"There's no comedy to be made out of the similarity between the mathematical term natural logarithm in its abbreviatory form and the Linux command for symbolically or hard linking files."

Updated Monday 7th Jun 2010 - Anonymous

"One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly."

Updated Monday 31st May 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Life is like a pumpkin, it's hard to get anywhere in this world, but if you work hard enough you'll get to the where the good bits are."

Updated Monday 24th May 2010 - Jade 'Pumpkin' Chenery

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."

Updated Monday 17th May 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I'm usually wittier than Oscar Wilde to the power of Winston Churchill, but not today because I've been mostly swearing at the PlayStation."

Updated Monday 10th May 2010 - Jack Christmas

"Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?"

Updated Monday 3rd May 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"OMG what a plum!"

Updated Monday 26th Apr 2010 - Jade 'Pumpkin' Chenery

"In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play."

Updated Monday 19th Apr 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"You may not feel like you mean a thing to the world, but you mean the world to somebody."

Updated Monday 12th Apr 2010 - Saxon Walker

"I would believe only in a God that knows how to Dance."

Updated Monday 5th Apr 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."

Updated Monday 29th Mar 2010 - Harry S. Truman

"Toad Yourself!"

Updated Monday 22nd Mar 2010 - Jade 'Pumpkin' Chenery

"He who laughs best today, will also laugh last."

Updated Monday 15th Mar 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."

Updated Monday 8th Mar 2010 - Karl Marx

"For the woman, the man is a means: the end is always the child."

Updated Monday 1st Mar 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Faith: not wanting to know what is true."

Updated Monday 22nd Feb 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"It's like the entire population of Norfolk."

Updated Monday 15th Feb 2010 - Jed Miller on Incest

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."

Updated Monday 8th Feb 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I hate gravity."

Updated Monday 1st Feb 2010 - Jed Miller

"After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands."

Updated Monday 25th Jan 2010 - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Am I missing an eyebrow?"

Updated Monday 18th Jan 2010 - Adam Savage [MythBusters]

"I am the Silky Walker."

Updated Monday 11th Jan 2010 - Kirk Saywell

"I've been defeated by a bauble."

Updated Monday 4th Jan 2010 - Simon Aggett

"Happy New Year 2010!"

Updated Monday 28th Dec 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore."

Updated Monday 21st Dec 2009 - Stewie Griffin

"What has been done, cannot be undone... unless you work with computers."

Updated Monday 14th Dec 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

Updated Monday 7th Dec 2009 - Peter Gibbons

"Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"

Updated Monday 30th Nov 2009 - Brian Griffin

"Connect brain to mouth before attempting speech."

Updated Monday 23rd Nov 2009 - Mark Hull

During a game of Pool: "It gets harder when there are a few balls to play with."

Updated Monday 16th Nov 2009 - Jed Miller

"Doing something interesting is better than doing nothing, but doing nothing is better than doing something you don't want to do."

Updated Monday 9th Nov 2009 - Anonymous

"Postman Pat, Postman Pat Postman Pat and his unionized cat, Early in the morning, They're still in bed a-snoring, And I'm wondering where's my post you f*cking tw*t."

Updated Monday 2nd Nov 2009 - Jed Miller

"If you don't get a reply i'm having a nap, try calling me." [Jed: 07794958562]

Updated Monday 26th Oct 2009 - Jed Miller

"For indeed, there is nothing in the intellect which was not in the senses, except the intellect itself. Music is the pleasure the human mind experiences from counting without being aware that it is counting."

Updated Monday 19th Oct 2009 - Gottfried Leibniz

Text Message from Jed's Mobile: "I have lost my phone, can you try calling it please?"

Updated Sunday 11th Oct 2009 - Jed Miller

"Ah, You're a Linux user, I see." Comic 644

Updated Monday 5th Oct 2009 - XKCD

"I will be as honest with you as you will be with me."

Updated Monday 28th Sep 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"Potatoes."

Updated Monday 21st Sep 2009 - Jed Miller

"It's not death, it's safety!"

Updated Monday 14th Sep 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"Fact is based purely on Saxon's opinion, true fact kiddies!"

Updated Monday 7th Sep 2009 - Saxon

"We are all unique, you are just different - dear."

Updated Monday 31st Aug 2009 - Rob Dack

"While you two get roasted on the beach, we will get roasted in the pub."

Updated Monday 24th Aug 2009 - Rob Dack and Kirk Saywell

"Kthxbia, FTW!"

Updated Monday 17th Aug 2009 - Saxon

Fat people in sports clothes... who are you trying to kid?

Updated Monday 10th Aug 2009 - Rob Dack

"Since when did the Romans have bridges?"

Updated Monday 3rd Aug 2009 - Jed Miller

"Is that a bit of cake stuck to your forehead? Oh! Sorry! It's just your eyebrow!"

Updated Monday 27th Jul 2009 - Dug Stokes

"Welsh cheerleaders. Putting the 'go! go! go!' into Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

Updated Monday 20th Jul 2009 - Dug Stokes

"We were all warned a long time ago that MS products sucked, remember the Magic 8 Ball said, 'Outlook not so good'"

Updated Monday 13th Jul 2009 - Anonymous

"If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it then use religion it's fine... but I use Google."

Updated Monday 6th Jul 2009 - Dug Stokes

"Rubbing up against the perineum does not count as losing your virginity."

Updated Monday 29th Jun 2009 - Will McKenzie

"Can you try to look... blockier? I have a thing for corrupt women."

Updated Monday 22nd Jun 2009 - xkcd comic 598

Rob: "...Bunny." Amanda: "Bunnies don't fart like that." Rob: "They doooo!"

Updated Monday 15th Jun 2009 - Rob Dack and Amanda Saywell

"Want to do something exciting? Do it while you can."

Updated Monday 8th Jun 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"What you will always remember is how you felt that day when someone made you feel loved."

Updated Monday 1st Jun 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"A rescue chip is the chip you use to rescue the bits of the first one that broke apart in the dip."

Updated Monday 25th May 2009 - Samwise Wilson

"I literally can't find the words to tell you how poor my vocabulary is."

Updated Monday 18th May 2009 - Dug Stokes

"Yeah, but he is pitching a two-man thing, I've got a whole marquee going on!"

Updated Monday 11th May 2009 - Rob Dack

"If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape."

Updated Monday 4th May 2009 - Dug Stokes

"A Post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers."

Updated Monday 27th Apr 2009 - Dug Stokes

"Insert Witty Quote Here"

Updated Monday 20th Apr 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"British Association of Plastic Surgeons. BAPS."

Updated Monday 13th Apr 2009 - Anonymous

"How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?"

Updated Monday 6th Apr 2009 - Brian Griffin

Jed Said: "Go to bed."

Updated Monday 30th Mar 2009 - Jed Miller

"I accidentally... CHMOD 777 / -R ...The whole server!"

Updated Monday 23rd Mar 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"I just successfully cleaned and fixed a noisy and dusty PSU using a garden blower!"

Updated Monday 16th Mar 2009 - Dug Stokes

"Can I count to three? For God's sake I am already shooting at a fifth grade level!"

Updated Monday 9th Mar 2009 - Stewie Griffin

"I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts under long sleeve shirts."

Updated Monday 2nd Mar 2009 - Stewie Griffin

"I went swimming and nearly got water into Google!"

Updated Monday 23rd Feb 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"Why arn't we allowed heroin in CISCO? It's a perfectly natural substance."

Updated Monday 16th Feb 2009 - Dan Manley

"I have to go home early because I have a headache that's forcing me to go to a party in Cambridge..."

Updated Monday 9th Feb 2009 - Lawrence Cook

"What you can do is not my problem. But what I can do may be your problem."

Updated Monday 2nd Feb 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"I may have just inadvertently destroyed the universe by installing a cat flap into Schroedinger's box..."

Updated Monday 26th Jan 2009 - Dug Stokes

"What good can come of bad?"

Updated Monday 19th Jan 2009 - Kirk Saywell

"I've got a 'double-flusher', I may be a while."

Updated Monday 12th Jan 2009 - Rob Dack

"I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024x768"

Updated Monday 5th Jan 2009 - Lawrence Cook

"Inspiration...have you seen it? I think i left it somewhere on saturday night..."

Updated Monday 29th Dec 2008 - Rob Dack

"I love the feeling when I sneeze"

Updated Monday 22nd Dec 2008 - Chris

"Do we live to please the people we love, or do we live to be with the people we love?"

Updated Monday 15th Dec 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Remember, that is why you should always keep a hand pistol in your underpants."

Updated Monday 8th Dec 2008 - Elton Hall

"The pram parade are getting off the bus!"

Updated Monday 1st Dec 2008 - Charlotte Moore

"And that's what happens when you don't do any beta testing, children."

Updated Monday 24th Nov 2008 - Warren Penney

"After all that trouble, there wasn't even any porn in it!"

Updated Monday 17th Nov 2008 - Charlotte Smallwood-Smith

"I know I was supposed to, I chose not to."

Updated Monday 10th Nov 2008 - Rob Dack

"It's not my mess, I put mine on the floor!"

Updated Monday 3rd Nov 2008 - Lawrence Cook

"How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a chuck wood could chuck wood?"

Updated Monday 27th Oct 2008 - Dan Manley

"Double face palm."

Updated Monday 20th Oct 2008 - Emma Perry

"I accidentally the whole damn thing."

Updated Monday 13th Oct 2008 - Lawrence Cook

"I dunno, I can't remeber now." Update: "I've remembered! I love Emma P! x"

Updated Monday 6th Oct 2008 - Warren Penney

"Erm, what have I said?"

Updated Monday 29th Sep 2008 - Dan Manley

"How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

Updated Monday 22nd Sep 2008 - Albert Einstein

"That man dropped his minstral!"

Updated Monday 15th Sep 2008 - Charlotte Moore

"I am unblameable!"

Updated Monday 8th Sep 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

Updated Monday 1st Sep 2008 - Albert Einstein

"I wish love upon all my fellow students. Dropping through a chimney near you."

Updated Monday 25th Aug 2008 - Jack Christmas

"Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that."

Updated Monday 18th Aug 2008 - Peter Griffin

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Updated Monday 11th Aug 2008 - Roy

"The cake is a lie."

Updated Monday 4th Aug 2008 - Anonymous

"I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless."

Updated Monday 28th Jul 2008 - Stewie Griffin

"What's that smell? It's either bad meat or good cheese."

Updated Monday 21st Jul 2008 - Brian Griffin

"Business is like life, good things will only happen if you make them happen, bad things will happen if you don't stop them happening."

Updated Monday 14th Jul 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"I think I am wearing slightly confused pyjamas."

Updated Monday 7th Jul 2008 - Dug Stokes

"It could have been a fatal plate incident!"

Updated Monday 30th Jun 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Buffer Buffer Buffer Chicken!"

Updated Monday 23rd Jun 2008 - Charlotte Moore

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."

Updated Monday 16th Jun 2008 - Alice Kahn

"I always knew something was fundamentally wrong with the Universe."

Updated Monday 9th Jun 2008 - Douglas Adams

"What is left is not right."

Updated Monday 2nd Jun 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Hedgehogs are great burglars because they can tip-toe."

Updated Monday 26th May 2008 - Dug Stokes

"Avocado? Is that a pear of fish?"

Updated Monday 19th May 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

Updated Monday 12th May 2008 - Robert Schuller

"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

Updated Monday 5th May 2008 - Douglas Adams

"The future can be more valuable than memories of the past."

Updated Monday 28th Apr 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"We are going as fast as we can't!"

Updated Monday 21st Apr 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Without gravity, we wouldn't have chairs."

Updated Monday 14th Apr 2008 - Dug Stokes

"The meaning of life is to work out what the meaning of life is."

Updated Monday 7th Apr 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient.
There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning."

Updated Monday 31st Mar 2008 - Bill Gates

"No, I don't want a peanut."

Updated Monday 24th Mar 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Nothing hurts more than rejection."

Updated Monday 17th Mar 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it."

Updated Monday 10th Mar 2008 - GK Chesterton

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

Updated Monday 3rd Mar 2008 - RD Laing

"There's no place like 127.0.0.1"

Updated Monday 25th Feb 2008 - Lawrence Cook

"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes."

Updated Monday 18th Feb 2008 - Edgard Varese

"Love is lifes most valuable treasure, look after it."

Updated Monday 11th Feb 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"Do not worry about how you have changed, just focus on what you have become."

Updated Monday 4th Feb 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"I didn't know that if it said 'empty' it would actually run out!"

Updated Monday 28th Jan 2008 - Amanda Saywell

"Killer rabbits are coming to kill the weak and infirm."

Updated Monday 21st Jan 2008 - Allan Nadin

"It's not rape, it's surprise sex!"

Updated Monday 14th Jan 2008 - Emma Perry

"Life would be boring without worry."

Updated Monday 7th Jan 2008 - Kirk Saywell

"If Love is happiness, why is nobody happy without money?"

Updated Monday 31st Dec 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Updated Monday 24th Dec 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Last week of Term, enjoy it!"

Updated Monday 17th Dec 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Wadeism is the way to go."

Updated Monday 10th Dec 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

Updated Monday 3rd Dec 2007 - Jim Morrison

"Ah ah ah ah ah ah..."

Updated Monday 26th Nov 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"We're Cool Phool's, with a PH, there's a difference you know."

Updated Monday 19th Nov 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Miss, does non-uniform day mean we dont wear anything?."

Updated Monday 12th Nov 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Music is an emotion? no. Music has emotion."

Updated Monday 5th Nov 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"The sale of Cheese has increased by 2% in the last week."

Updated Monday 29th Oct 2007 - Steve Young

"Sooo..."

Updated Monday 22nd Oct 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Is 'hello' a kind greeting or a way of starting a conversation?"

Updated Monday 15th Oct 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Has anyone seen my invisible pet duck?"

Updated Monday 8th Oct 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"OMG-WTF-BBQ-LAWN!"

Updated Monday 1st Oct 2007 - Kirk Saywell

"Only 7 more days until today again, woo!"

Updated Monday 24th Sep 2007 - Kirk Saywell